My Journey

Hello, my name is Tasha and I am a compulsive overeater and food addict. [Hi, Tasha.]

Addiction has had a tight grip on me for many years. I feel that through the program of OA, I will have the freedom recovery promises. I struggle with the willingness and ability to do the next right thing regarding eating. Below will be some of my most honest shares and journal entries as I work through my program. If nothing else, I will use this website as an accountability blog for myself and the few who may stumble upon it.
Thanks, Me.

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Step One – OA study questions- 12/13/11

1. It is said that isolation is part of our problem. Was it part of mine? And what about my family and friends?
Yes. Isolation is often the beginning of a future mistake. The record shows, when I have allowed isolation to creep in, it’s only a matter of time before my priorities shift. When priorities shift, I give my addiction space to grow. Isolation allows addiction to take the wheel. Friends and family are victims of this sudden shift. I have “flaked” on important events in the past many times due to isolation.

2. How do I determine my allergic food substances? Write a list of your allergic food substances. Will this list change with time? Get smaller or bigger, and why?

I determine my trigger foods as things I cannot put down once I start eating. Food always had a significant part in my life. In eating these triggers, I can go back to a happier time. For instance, McDonalds signifies the time alone I got to spend with mom, minus her boyfriends. The combo of fruit with peanut butter reminds me of school parties in kindergarten. Pez candy reminds me of my favorite teacher. The list goes on and on. I will work on the list of triggers over the next couple days. I have to be really honest with myself about what goes on the list and it may take some time. I don’t believe the list will ever get smaller, because even if I become abstinent it doesn’t mean my addiction will ever go away. I will never be able to take snicker’s off the list of foods from which I must abstain, even though I may want to.

3. What is a slip? What is a relapse? What is the difference between them?
Describe some of your experiences with them. What do you think caused them?
Slips are those extra few bites you take even though you know you are full. That one food on your list that you know you shouldn’t eat, but you do anyway. You learn from it and move on with your day– staying true to your plan of eating. A relapse is where the bag of chips leads you to the Mexican restaurant, which leads to the ice cream aisle, and so on. It is a period of time that lasts longer than a day. It is permission to fail for a set amount of time not determined by you, but your addiction. It is letting go of God’s hand and filling your own hands with triggers. In my honest struggle, if you don’t call a sponsor, or a friend in recovery, attend a meeting and journal after a SLIP, you are basically watching the clock waiting for your relapse. My past mistakes have been a lack of preparation. Did I slip with intentions of relapsing? Or will I call someone who will reaffirm that you just focus on the next right action? Being totally honest with your self, will help you to better understand where you are in your program.

4. It is said that step one is the only step that must be worked 100%. Is this condition really so important? Why?

I’d like to think you should do all the steps 100%! I got to step 4 and ran, so I can’t really say for sure. I know absolutely you will not be ready for 2 if you haven’t hit rock bottom by admitting you are POWERLESS and there is NOTHING you can do on your own or with the help of someone/thing, other than God to make it through. You can have strength within to make it, but you will never have power over the disease. Until you really know that, you aren’t ready to move forward. Some take longer than others. One look in the mirror and at my life shows me that power over food, is the last thing I have ever had.

5. Ours is a three fold disease, physical, mental and spiritual. How does the combination of those three aspects make me powerless over food?

P/_S_\M — It’s a triangle, simply put. If you don’t have all of these elements, the triangle crumbles. The same is true with your life, if you don’t grow spiritually, mentally, and physically, your progress will crumble. I am mentally unhealthy, spiritually dead, and physically sick. I feel physically useless. I am mentally unhealthy because I’d rather shift my mindset away from help. I am spiritually dead because the Higher Power that has lead me always, has been replaced by my drug of choice. Without working on all three parts, the triangle that is my life’s overall well being, has surely crumbled.

6. “When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.” BB page 64.

What is the meaning of this sentence to you?

The spiritual part is the foundation of the triangle. When building a house, you must lay a foundation before you begin working on the walls. If we work on our spiritual being, connecting to a higher source, we will be able to watch the walls of mental and physical health form right before our eyes. It will require effort on our part, but I believe what I thought of as impossible, will become a reality for me once I work on the spiritual aspect of myself.

Without a doubt I accept step 1 as the truth in my life. I am 100% powerless over food.

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Step Two – OA study questions – 12/27/11

1. In what ways have I continued to try to find comfort in excess food, long after it began to cause me misery?
At age 10 when I was double the size of anyone in my class, I knew I was miserable, yet I continued to eat. I helped everyone fix their issues with each other while the only friend I had seemed to be food. Even then I knew my love of food wasn’t normal, but I found comfort in the first bite.

2. Have I come to believe that I need to change? Why?
Yes. I am very sick… When a 10 year old [my brother] has to worry that his sister ate the food he wanted to eat, there is a BIG problem there. This is just one example of why I need to change. Another reason is that my thigh is the size of the waist of a healthy girl my age. Another reason is, I am hurting for SO many reasons, and I stay in the past and hide in my mountain of triggers. If my metabolism was golden and I weighed 170, I would still be stuck in my life. I’d still be jobless and depressed. I am running from pain and it’s not because I am obese. I am obese because I am running from my pain. The lie is that I am causing more pain by pretending food hides my pain.

3. How do I define that Higher Power?
God to me, is my Guide- the one I’ve always been connected with, which leads me. When I let this guide speak, I am on the right track. It’s really the closest friend I have ever had. When I was young I would talk to God and I knew I’d hear the answers. I’d be grounded because I walked in the room when my step dad didn’t want me to, and in that sorrow, the Guide/holy spirit would talk to me in the most unique ways. I’d be locked away in my room for hours and hours and the only one I had was God. I believe that Guide raised me. Where I didn’t have parents, I had God. Eventually I lost my way and denied the existence of my HP, came back and redefined what I felt God was, strayed again.. The place I am now is God is the guide, the creator, the all. The love, the joy, the lessons, the wisdom, the comfort in a sad world. God is all. I have a much different interpretation than when I was younger. God is strength and power. Literally everything good, to me, that is my Higher Power.

4. How do I feel about replacing my old ideas about God with a faith that works?
I LOOOOVE this concept!!! This would have helped me SO much in the past with religious questions. I will definitely be applying this to my life and figuring out what I want from a HP. The truth is, God will be all that I ask, because God IS all things good. That’s why “act as if” works – because it’s true. That why people can become successful when others don’t, because they realize and have a connection with this source of strength. Religion doesn’t work for me, but regardless of religion, God is real. Even as a former atheist, I can say that the definition of God requires so much open-mindedness, that the lack of evidence of God is almost silly to me. You can’t put ALL that is, in this existence and the next and beyond, into a simple definition. God will never be understood or truly figured out – but one thing is for sure, God is a higher power here to guide you in whatever amount you allow.

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Step Three – OA study questions- 1/10/12

1. In what ways am I willing to adopt a whole new attitude about weight control, body image, and eating?

I know for a fact that a lot of opinions I have about myself, my weight control, body image and eating comes from a place of media and advertising. Recently I have started to realize the evils in ads and media. In honest truth, weight control, body image, and eating are totally different than anything I’ve believed before. They are a pure/healthy topic. Not the unhealthy, envious, lustful appreance, supersized fries, slim waistline or you aren’t getting laid, way I used to think. We are spirits having a human experience — that doesn’t mean falling into the darkest depths of human nature has to be our experience.

2. What has my attitude been about food and eating?

My attitude has been a very selfish one. Me, me, me! What do I want to eat? Is that enough for me? Oh I know she didn’t just take the slice I wanted. When will my next meal be? If I leave here, and go there, will they have food? Should I get a number 6 or 2? Can I order 2 meals and pretend it’s for another person? If I just eat after midnight I don’t have to report the food, it didn’t happen.

3. Am I ready to give up self-will regarding food? Explain.

Self-will is that extra piece of pie. Period. I don’t even like pie but if it is the last piece, it’s mine, hands off. My self-will has me backed into the corner, hoping this day I wont have a heart attack. Self-will has me putting on size 28 clothing. I am ready to give self-will up. Not just regarding food, but regarding behaviors as well. My behaviors have just as much to do with my eating choices. If I hold onto self-will, I might as well be casket shopping.

4. How do I feel about completely turning my life over to a Higher Power for guidance?

God has never failed me. He has never failed me. He is my strength in weakness. God is everything. I feel pleased by my decision and I know and trust that I won’t be led to anything I can’t face, but He will be there alongside me.

5. Do I have eating guidelines? Will I ask God for the willingness and the ability to live within them each day? Explain.

My eating guidelines are slowly but surely being set in place. Especially today with a willing mind and heart, these guidelines are being placed as we speak. Now I WANT to have solutions for hunger. Yesterday and 3 years ago I didn’t want a solution to hunger. I know that hunger is just a small part of life and I want it to be a simple process, not literal hell.

6. If occasionally the obsession returns, how do I get through these times without overeating?

According to the OA 12&12, I shouldn’t panic, I will need to reaffirm my eating guidelines, ask God to help me continue living within those guidelines and accept them as they are, focus on OA/the 12 steps, and cling to the promise, “this too shall pass.”

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STEP 4 Journaling 2/22/12

I have been working on step 4 some days, avoiding step 4 on other days….. The most important thing is that I am moving forward in all areas of my life. On Monday (2/20), I wrote the following:

“As some of you know, I have an eating disorder which transformed into a powerful addiction throughout my life. 42 days ago, I decided to listen to God’s wisdom and let go of my “drugs.” Abstaining from sugar, white flour, caffeine, all of my trigger foods, and the obsessive eating behaviors that controlled my life. In 42 days of abstinence I have lost 34.5 inches from my physical body and 12 billion pounds from my once insane, “junkie” mind. I am working Step 4 of the 12 Step Program, which I used to fear. Through that program, I have a sponsor and am a sponsor to someone else. I love my counselor, who I was afraid to meet for years. I am going to college, yet that’s something I never thought I’d do. I now talk to my father regularly; he is someone I had shut out of my life and we never had a relationship. I forgave my mom for not meeting my unrealistic standards of what a mother should be, and have accepted her for the beautiful person she is, where she’s at in life. I stare in the mirror and am no longer disgusted, but proud of that woman I see looking back. She’s changing. She gets it. She’s alive.”